Thursday, April 22, 2010


I really feel like reality bites, a lot, and hard. Not always just sometimes.
So far this year has been not so good. Just about the time I think things are getting better then reality lifts its heads and bites me.

Fighting with the daughter. Step-Father-in-law dying. I fractured my wrist. Fighting with the daughter. Truck broke down and will cost more than I care to mention. Fighting with daughter. And now niece having brain surgery because the procedure to help her with a tumor caused her to bleed out. Oh and did I mention fighting with the daughter?

As you may know I have been working on quitting smoking. I have done pretty darn good. But I caved and am smoking a little here and there. Sometimes the stress is just to much and I want to smoke. I know, smoking doesn't help it just makes things worse, but sometimes there is no reasoning with my smokers mind. I am trying hard to stay on track.

I want to be successful but man it can be hard when reality is biting and biting hard.

My niece will be fine, God was with her and the surgeons last night. The truck will get fixed, after I turn loose of the money and son finds the time to do the work. My wrist is up in the air, doctor is waiting to see what the next step is.

My daughter needs to make a big change in her life, but isn't ready to. Once she has made this change she will be her old sweet loving, caring, kind self. I saw a sign of the daughter I know and love, so she isn't completely gone. But now she is lashing out at others, not just me. She can be b****y to me, but not to the others. I won't stand for this.

Lord help me get her through all this and give me strength not to kill her or the guy she is with. Please open her eyes and let her see what she is doing and who she is hurting. Lord help me not to pick up another cigarette and smoke it. Give me the strength to turn away from them and not look back.

I have enjoyed being cigarette free, well except for the moments of high stress. I can breath, I can taste things, I can smell the fresh air and spring flowers. My breathe is fresh and minty, my clothes smell like my perfume. My hair smells good. I have found that not smoking is not that hard, I have enjoyed not smoking for the most part.

So back at it I go. Can someone make reality take a break for a week or so, please.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


So today is day number 9 of my journey of becoming a non smoker. For the most part I feel like I am doing pretty darn good.
Hubby smokes, that really made the weekend harder than I expected, but i sailed through with no stumbles. I won't lie I had some really strong cravings but was able to breath through them.
We went out to eat on Friday night and had some really great food. If there is ever a time a smoker wants a smoke it is after a wonderful meal. I have never understood this but it is the way the addiction works. So after dinner i fought off the craving by going for a short walk.
I even made it through finding out that our truck is going to take more than what we thought to repair it. Someone seems to think stopping is important when in a truck. It isn't the brakes, but the something or other for the anti lock brakes that is keeping the brakes from working correctly. I even managed to handle daughter telling us she is ready to move and has an apartment that she can move in to within a week.....shocked but happy.
I made it through yesterday just fine. All was well the cravings were almost not even there. Woohoo on the right path almost out of the woods.
Then this morning happened. One good yelling at from the son and I caved. Ok, I tried breathing, pointing out that his form of communication was unacceptable, tried talking to hubby, tried gum and I still couldn't fight it, so I had half a cigarette. I know I am still emotional weak and am working on that. Cigarettes have been my emotional crutch for many years, I fell back into old habits. I have picked myself up and brushed myself off and am back on track. Now how does one get the itching to stop.
I still have a lot of work to do on the emotional end of things, but am hanging in there. I need to find a new way to deal with the nasty part of life. I don't think most smokers realize how much they depend on cigarettes in times of stress and discontent.
If anyone is actually reading this and has a good idea for dealing with the emotional side of things PLEASE let me know.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


For a while I am going to use my blog as an aid in becoming a non smoker.
I have smoked on and off since I was 17. This is one of the worst decisions I have ever made, becoming a smoker that is.

On Sunday, Easter Day, I smoked 18 cigarettes. I had my last one right around 10 pm. Monday morning when I woke up, my chest was tight, I was coughing, and I couldn't breathe. I grabbed a cigarette from my pack and went right out the back door. I lit it and took a drag, cough cough cough cough, I put it out and said I was done. At that moment in time I felt weak but very strong at the same time. I knew right then and there that I was meant to be a non-smoker.

Since then I have stumbled twice, once on Monday afternoon and once today. Monday I smoked the entire cigarette and felt horrible. I needed to smoke that one so I could remind myself why I was giving them up. Today, when I stumbled I did it out of pain and anger. My wrist was hurting and I was angry at myself for making my wrist hurt. There are other reasons why I was angry but they really aren't that important. I know the reasons and have talked them over with myself. I only smoke part of that cigarette, once I realized what I was doing I put the thing out. I came in the house, changed my clothing, brushed my teeth and scrubbed my hands.

Once Scott got home from work today I told him what I had done. He was understanding and supportive. He did take the rest of the ones I had laying around and got rid of them for me....out of sight out of mind kind of thing...we will see. I am lucky to have a great supportive husband. When his turn to quit comes I will remember how wonderful he has been for me and try to be just as great for him.

Actually for the most part this has gone pretty well. Tuesday was rough, today was rough but not as bad as Tuesday. I know I will have bumps in the road, we all do in all parts of our lives. I just need to pick myself up, brush myself off and move forward. No looking back and dwelling on my stumbles.

No, I really am not using any aids, the nicotine gum once in a while. I really can't use the aids. I have an allergy to the patch and gum. The pills make me feel crazy. So I am quitting cold turkey with a touch of gum here and there. I am finding myself scratching a lot today, not sure if it is from the gum or from the partial cigarette I smoked earlier. I know that no matter which one it is it is because of my allergy to

I really am ready to be a non-smoker. I am moving forward and will be posting as I make this journey. If you get bored with my posts, move on, if you find inspiration great, keep coming back to read as I progress. Please just remember these posts are for me and a way to help myself. Wish my luck. If you are a smoker and wanting to quit, there is no time like the present, join me on my journey.